So lately I've been thinking a lot about change and loss. As I'm about to move into year 11, I've been having a lot of 'lasts' - my last sports day, my last enrichment week etc. These aren't things that I'll hugely miss (I HATE SPORTS WITH A PASSION) but it's still weird to think that these are things I'll never do again. Watching the year elevens leave as well is reminding me how little time I have left at my school with my year group. Admittedly there are plenty of people I will simply not miss at all, but still, it's odd to think that they won't be in my life in a years time.
I moved primary schools when I was 10, and spent the remainder of year six with a whole different bunch of people. Last weekend I bumped in to one of my ex best-friends, who I haven't spoken properly to in a very long time. It was painfully awkward - we've both moved on with our lives and friendships, her quicker than me (she lost one friend, I lost all of them) and we've become very different people. I don't miss her as such, but I just think it's kind of sad that someone who was such a big part of my life can become so distant. I don't really feel I know her any more. I don't don't mind this, but it makes me wonder which of my friends I'll still be in touch with in a few years time - I don't want to ever have to let go of anyone. It's taken me so long to finally move on and recover from my last move that I'm not sure how well I'll cope with doing it again so soon - I hate having to say goodbye, and I hate knowing there are so many future goodbyes.
So I'm kind of babbling now, but basically I don't want to have to move on - I'm just getting comfortable. I hate that life is full of loss so I'm trying to live in the moment but if I'm perfectly honest the future scares me. There are moments, though, when I'm too happy and content to care, whether it be that I'm alone, with my family or with friends. A recent time like this was the Friday in town and at the beach I wrote about. I felt so carefree and relaxed and oblivious to everything and everyone other than my friends and the sea, and nothing else mattered, it was beautiful. This paragraph from Perks pretty much sums that up - it literally brings tears to my eyes every time I read it - so here, enjoy:)
'I don't know if I will have the time to write anymore letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who has gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.' - Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower.